IS VERIZON OPERATED BY ALIENS?

I have come to the conclusion that on-line outfit that calls itself "Verizon" is so screwed up that it may just be the place where MIB stashes wayward aliens rather than the post office.

For may years I was a loyal Comcast customer, but our phones were on Verizon. Then with the lock-down, plus the fact that Verizon came through our out-in-the-sticks neighborhood and buried photo-optic cables, thus adding more speed potential, my wife decided that we should bundle everything with Verizon. Sounded like a good idea at the time.

Last week she got a new fangled device called a "MoCA" from Verizon in order to make our home offices more stable. After getting that we found that it had to be installed, because their do-it-yourself instructions called for an I.P. address and we have no idea which to use- now I was assigned to contact Verizon and get a service tech out here to hook it up. There was just one problem... well, a lot of problems.

First off trying to log onto "My Verizon" could not be done. It recognized my password, but it wanted me to answer the infamous "secret question." Of course being a boomer, I had both written down in my password rolodex. I answered...

NOPE! Didn't recognize my answer.

But don't worry... there's a handy link that you can use to get a recognition code sent to allow access.

Goody... I did what I was told and it sent it to my phone. Or, at least it was supposed to send it to my phone.

Instead what it sent my phone a password reset screen.

Shit. I didn't want that. All of my other services have a double check access where they send me a text with a four digit code, and I just put that in the waiting box on my computer and bingo- I'm in. Not so in the Verizon universe.

You see here is where the aliens blur the digital universe. Verizon has two different "Teams." One is the home TV and Internet world that they lovingly call planet Fios and the other is the smart phone thicket that they just call Verizon. By sending me that screen they are now telling me to log into the cell phone world... which has no idea what a MoCA is. 

Okay... I'll be a good little pawn and log on that way... but... I'll need to reset my password AND pick a new secret question. Of course the choices are all items that could be easily discovered by a hacker, (such as what was your high school, who was your best childhood friend... easily found by surfing Facebook) except for one... "What was your favorite childhood place?" I answer...

Now I can log back in... right?

WRONG!

Again... it doesn't recognize my favorite place answer.

PISS!!!

I go all the way out of everything and try and go back in. This time I find a "Chat" window.

Wonderful... except, it only offers a sent few common problems- none of which are currently mine.

Pecking around I get it to the "ask a representative" in chat...

After a morning of frustration, the chat person answers with their standard, "How are you doing today?"

I reply with, "After spending an hour fighting with your server, you don't want the answer to that."

Protracted delay... probably because the person responding is new on this planet.

"Oh, I'm ready about that run around." 

Okay...please someone nueralize me.

"I'm trying to make an appointment to get a technician out to my home and hook up one of your MoCA devices." I respond.

Beyond protracted delay...

"Oh sorry am I, you are on the Verizon phone team, and that is the Fios team, I switch you over."

AKKKKKKK!

Long delay...

The screen pops up...

"You've been logged out due to inactivity."